a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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