She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
