You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
