I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
