I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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