butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
