I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
