I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
