i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
