Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
accomplished twins. life is a go
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
