All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
