I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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