So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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