I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize