$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
