I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
