The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
