So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
