I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
