Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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