dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
