I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The Olympian is in my bed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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