you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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