Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize