If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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