i permit you to call me
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
