no, he came in my armpit
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can't put those talents on a resume
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
