Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
either way he was missing a nipple.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
