I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
