it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
