My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
