My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
