today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
