i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
