The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
