I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
