If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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