i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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