Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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