Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
