I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
