dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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