This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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