I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize