So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't turn off my feet"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
