She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
