i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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