i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
