I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize