his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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