why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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