We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
