Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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