Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
