I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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