So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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