I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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