Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
