Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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