You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
