i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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